Leaving Without Losing

Leaving Without Losing

I used to think obedience would feel like peace the whole way through. That if God was really in it, the leaving would feel light, smooth, and seamless. I thought this is gonna be a piece of cake... God has open doors ready and available for me to walk right through them in this very moment I give him my yes to his request.

Oh but... that was not the case, my obedience of letting go was not smooth at all. In fact, I am actually still experiencing the acts of my obedience.

There's a version of me that stayed longer than I should have in things that were good. Not sinful. Not even wrong for a season. Just not mine to keep anymore. A place. A routine. A person. A version of my life that finally felt steady after everything had felt so unsteady. And when I sensed God asking me to set it down, my first thought wasn't yes, Lord. It was but I just got comfortable here, or this doesn't make sense.

Oh no, the devil is a liar! This can't be God. This has to be some kind of deception because it was totally working against my flesh. Lastly, I need a million signs this is direction you need me to go because this request didn't feel like deliverance. It felt like loss. And nothing that costs this much is supposed to be from God... right?

Well, that was my mindset then.

Can I be honest? I grieved it. Truly grieved it. The kind of grief that catches you off guard in the car, in the shower, in the quiet five minutes before you fall asleep. And at first, I didn't know if that was even allowed. Because this wasn't something that was taken from me. I chose it. My hands did the letting go. So how could I mourn something I walked away from on purpose? Didn't the fact that it was intentional mean I wasn't supposed to feel this much?

I don't believe that anymore. I don't think grieving something you chose to walk away from makes you faithless... it simply makes you authentic, aware of your emotions, and human.

Somewhere I'd picked up the idea that if something is hard to leave, maybe it wasn't God asking after all. But Abram left Ur without a map (Genesis 12:1), not because Ur was evil, but because God had somewhere else in mind. The leaving wasn't punishment. It was preparation, preparation for unlearning old mindsets and behavior patterns I didn't even know I was still carrying. Preparation for the new to come. The leaving wasn't the point. It was the doorway to the unlearning.

Isaiah 43:19 comes to mind often and recently "I am making a way in the wilderness." - finally clicked for me... He's making a way in the wilderness, not a way around it. A way in it. It's definitely a doorway to a new thing, one I couldn't perceive then, and honestly, still can't fully perceive now, from where I'm standing. That's the part... nobody tells you. The clarity doesn't always come after. Sometimes you're still walking through the fog of it, trusting the doorway was real even when you can't yet see what's on the other side.

And yes, you will grieve what was. You will doubt what you what you heard from God. You will even have a desire to return back to Egypt - why? Because it was comfortable and in some ways provided security.

So much of what once felt steady has shifted beneath me, the comfort, the routine, the version of myself I thought I had to keep being. And in the middle of that shifting, I've had to learn that grief and obedience can sit in the same chair. I can know I heard Him right... but still cry about it in the car. Both things are allowed. Both things are honest and true. Both things are part of the process.

If you're holding something you love and sensing God's hand gently asking you to open your palm, I'm not going to tell you it won't hurt or be easy. I'm going to tell you that leaving is not the same as losing. What He's asking you to release, He's already making room to replace with something you can't perceive from here. Your heart posture, your faith, and your strength in the Lord - let me be very clear, NOT your own strength and not your understanding will lead you through. Your daily belief that you lack NOTHING in Christ Jesus will supernaturally sustain you in the wilderness.

Welcome to the middle of your becoming, know that you're not doing this wrong. ♥

Take heart. Breathe deep. You are being held in the process. ~ Lauren